A regular night in the Hog's Head
by Peeves' best friend
Summary: Harry, Ron, Neville, Seamus and Dean get together in the Hog's Head on a regular basis. Their interactions are weird, disturbing, filthy, bizarre and wrong on a regular basis, but they're always guaranteed to be amusing. Especially when Harry gets his heart broken and Ron accepts the duty of getting Harry out of his depression. "Does this mean I got to third base with Harry's mom?"


**Well... This was just for fun. I'm contemplating handing this over to a friend, it'll involve all Gryffindor boys of Harry's year group timetravelling and having to go to Hogwarts again. But they're dysfunctional drunks who have a weird way of showing their friendship to each other, which basically means beating each other up and otherwise fucking with each other.**

**Anyways, this is what happens when you pair up the bizareness that is the wizarding world and it's lack of therapy with PTSD, fighting a war at ages fifteen/sixteen/seventeen, Ginny looking like Lily, and the boys finally being an actual group. Enjoy!**

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN HP AND IF I DID WE'D HAVE OUR FIRST MARAUDER-ERA BOOK BY NOW! COME ON JK, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS!**

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"I miss Ginny." Harry mumbled pathetically, staring at his beer morosely.

Ron let out an exasperated groan whilst Neville just shrugged, glancing around the bar somewhat fearfully. If any of the other professors found out he'd been out drinking in the Hogshead with his friends on a Wednesday evening when he was supposed to patrol the First and Second Floor, there'd be hell to pay.

"I should owl her." The Man-Who-Conquered suddenly spoke in a clear voice, as if he hadn't had five beers in the past hour.

"I don't think that's a good idea Harry." Neville answered carefully, keeping a close eye on the mess that was Harry Potter. The new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor had been a wreck ever since he'd found a letter waiting for him in his private office two weeks ago. The envelope had held not only a short note from Ginny saying she had to find herself without Harry, but also the engagement ring he'd bought her six months ago.

"You're right." Harry sobbed drunkenly, emptying his bottle before letting his head hit the bar with a heavy thud, "Who am I kidding, she was too good for me anyways!" Harry yammered, getting Neville frowned.

"That's not what I meant." The Herbology professor said patiently, which was followed by Harry sitting upright again and looking at Neville as if he was Merlin reincarnated.

"You're right! I shouldn't owl her! I should go to her! With roses! And a poem! On Buckbeak! And then I sweep her of her feet and we fly off into the sunset together! I'm going to win her back!" Harry shouted, before trying to scramble off of his stool. The fact that the sun had set like two hours ago was apparently being ignored for now.

A heavy hand clamping down on his shoulder stopped Harry from leaving his seat though.

"That's it!" An angry Ron spoke curtly, squeezing Harry's shoulder hard enough to penetrate the drunk haze that hung over Harry and managing to get the former Seeker to look him in the eye.

"Ginny's being a bitch! I refuse to let you leave! And I will keep doing so! Until you tell me at least one thing that's wrong with her! This ridiculous pining and moaning has gone on long enough!" Ron thundered, having let go of Harry's shoulder and instead hitting the bar with his fist at the end of every sentence.

"I can't do that, it's impossible, she's perfect!" Harry answered semi-lucidly, then he let out a sob and pitched forward onto the bar again, "I had the perfect woman and I let her go! I should have gotten her pregnant when I had the chance!" Harry sobbed, fortunately only half of what he said was muffled by the bar he was smooched up against, because Ron would have killed him otherwise.

"No! She's not! She left you after making you give up your dream job as an Auror because she didn't want you endangering your future together and then she left you! What do you call that!?" Ron bellowed angrily.

Harry looked up with a dreamy expression, "Loving, caring, and fiercely independent."

Ron growled, "No! It's selfish, arrogant and bitchy!"

Neville mumbled, "You realize you're talking about your sister, right Ron?"

The only not drunk of the three men wasn't heard over a suddenly angry Harry's returning shout, "You take that back!"

Ron shouted back even louder, "I don't think I will!"

Harry seemed to try and stand up, but after a second he reconsidered and instead just shrugged, " 'S fine by me, I'll just tell your mom you said that."

Ron paled slightly before straightening up, "And then I'll convince Seamus to piss in your beer!"

Harry just slumped against the bar again, but Neville frowned.

"Seamus wouldn't do that, right Seamus?" Neville asked, shouting at the new bartender/owner of the Hog's head, who'd just returned from the kitchen where he'd been cleaning up, as his former roommates were the only people left.

"You mean I wouldn't do that again? Nah, I probably would. It's really fun to see Ron desperately suppress his chuckles and go as red as a tomato as he talks to someone who's about to drink piss." Seamus says between chuckles, pouring himself a glass of Ogden's finest before moving into casual conversation range.

Neville turned his mortified stare to Seamus, as the memory of him, Dean and Ron having a drink two weeks ago suddenly made a lot more sense.

"Did you piss in my beer!?" Neville shouted incredulously at the gleefully grinning Irishman behind the bar.

Seamus didn't answer for a few seconds, making Neville get increasingly nauseous, until finally, mercifully, he answered, "Nah, don't worry mate, I didn't do anything to your beer. I did piss into Dean's beer like, two weeks ago."

Ron broke down laughing at that, whilst Harry seemed to be busily composing a poem involving the sentence, "You handle my broom so well, I think that's swell." Drunk Harry was an amusing but not that talented poet.

"Oh... Well that's okay then." Neville said calmly before taking a sip of his own beer. With this conversation done, Harry was bound to-

"I miss Ginny." Harry sobbed, right on schedule as Neville had expected.

Ron growled menacingly. The ginger grabbed Harry's new beer before the latter could get his hand on it, and stared his drunk friend down coldly.

"You get this back when you tell me at least one thing that's wrong with Ginny." Ron said harshly, returning to his previous attempts at getting Harry out of his depression.

"She doesn't have a clone?" Harry slurred drunkenly, grabbing for his bottle with the arm he wasn't lying on.

"No good. Try again." Ron coldly fired back, moving Harry's beer further out of the reach of his drunken attempts to retrieve it.

"She's so beautiful other guys keep trying to steal her?" Harry mumbled pathetically, clearly only partially lucid by now.

"Come on Harry! She broke your heart! She left you a letter! She didn't even talk to you and she gave you no chance to give your opinion! Get angry!" Ron shouted, trying to get Harry out of his perpetual melancholy.

"I guess that was kind of mean..." Harry mumbled after a few seconds of silence. That was followed by an intrigued eyebrow raise from Neville, a guffaw from Seamus and a proud smile from Ron.

"Good boy. And now you get your beer back. Now, something else, Ginny's not just mean, she's also selfish! She never thinks of other people!" Ron spoke, motivating Harry, trying to get his friend to build up some momentum.

"Yeah..." Harry started slowly, "You're right. She always uses the last of the milk and she never refills the toilet paper! And that time when I was sick, she refused to even let me sleep in our bedroom! I was sick and she made me sleep on the couch! Me!" Harry spoke, steadily picking up both volume and pace as he went along.

"Yeah!" and "The Bitch!" came from Ron and Seamus respectively, Neville just nodding along tentatively.

"And her laugh! It's like the retarded lovechild of a pig and a parrot having an asthma attack!" Seamus of all people spoke up, and all the men cheered raucously, clinking their bottles together and drinking.

"And she's always temperamental! This one time, I tripped and spilled a bit of water of her robes and she tried to hit me with a Castrating Curse!" Neville spoke up next, shivering at the memory.

His drinking buddies found this hilarious as they all laughed and cheered even louder than before, and that was the start of half an hour of increasingly drunk complaints about Ginny, Harry growing steadily less depressed and smiling and cheering more and more.

Eventually, the conversation reached a point where the complaints were just getting weird.

"And she doesn't know how to play the bagpipes!" Ron complained loudly, getting laughter from Harry and Neville, and enthusiastic approval from Seamus.

"Yeah! Who doesn't know how to play the bagpipes!? That's like general knowledge! And she doesn't like Firewhiskey!"

"And she hates dogs!"

"And she hates my bar!"

"And she looks like my mother!" Harry shouted raucously, and suddenly all five men were deadly silent.

"Whoa..." Neville muttered, by this point just as drunk as his friends.

"Bro..." Dean spoke slowly, the tall guy having joined the group some twenty minutes ago.

Again everyone was silent for a few seconds.

"Mate," Seamus started slowly, "I hate saying this," the Irishman continued ominously, "But you've been sleeping with your mother for the past year and a half..."

At that point, Harry would normally have reacted quite differently, but as it was, he was drunk like all hell, and his friends could only understand him because they were equally drunk. Any other person would long since have required subtitles.

"And she looks like my mother!" Harry bellowed, emptying an entire bottle of beer in one firm haul, his friends joining immediately.

"And she looks like your mother!" Everyone shouted, and they somehow managed to make just those six words into an entire song, repeating the same line over and over again, drinking all the while.

More than two hours later, Dean looked up from the booth his upper body had been laying in, and he asked a question that would forever have scarred anyone who would have heard it, which ended up being just Neville Longbottom as the other three guys were already unconscious.

"Does this mean I got to third base with Harry's mom?"

Dean then fainted and Neville lost consciousness mere seconds after that.

The next morning, four men were awakened by the sound of a fifth one throwing up.

" 'S not me!" Ron was the first to mumbled before rolling over and immediately starting to snore again, even before the barfing person had even finished aforementioned barfing.

"Not me!" Seamus shouted proudly, slowly standing up whilst looking for his pants, which he had somehow lost at some point the past night.

"It ain't me either bro!" Dean answered calmly, the most sober and least hung-over of the gang.

"I slept with my mother! It should be me!" Harry shouted incredulously, yet it was obvious to all that it wasn't him.

Which meant the horrifying sound of someone almost expelling all of his internal organs via his mouth was Neville.

"Look at it like this Harry," Seamus spoke from where he was buttoning up his pants, "If I had to tap someone's mom, I'd have picked your mom as well. She's a piece!"

"YOU BASTARD I'LL KILL YOU!" Harry shouted angrily as he dove over table and slammed into Seamus.

Chuckling, Dean turned to Ron, "You do realize Seamus just admitted he wants to nail your sister right?"

Ron went as red as his hair and didn't even jump over a table, he barrelled through it as he joined the fight taking place on the ground.

As Dean slowly approached the fight to get a better angle to watch, Neville wiped off his mouth before yelling at the group, "Hey Ron! Dean admitted to getting to third base with your fourteen year old sister!"

Ron immediately dragged Dean into the brawling group that was currently situated between the remnants of two tables and the bar.

Neville grinned as he pulled out the bottle of Kakobra-extract he'd taken with him from greenhouse 5 last night. Chugging back the extreme hangover-cure, Neville looked at his screaming and fighting friends.

"We should do this more often!"

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_**THAT'S ALL FOLKS.**_

_**For those who are eagerly awaiting an update to HPatEC, know that I am working on it and the next chapter is over halfway done. Writer's block was being bitchy but whilst writing this piece, I finally figured out how to kick it in the sack and get it to go be annoying for someone else :D**_

**_Leave me a review and if you're interested in writing a piece about the dysfunctional Gryffindors travelling through time and having to relive their Hogwarts years (not the first 3, 13-year old alcoholics would just be too weird), let me know and we'll work something out, I'd love to beta/co-author something like that._**

**_REVIEW! (Please?)_**


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